Why some days are harder than others

Bit introspective today, so just scroll to next person if you don't want to read my blatherings :)

It's hard sometimes to read of so much shit caused by cancer.

Some days visiting the Macmillan website is amazingly helpful, occasionally I just can't read any more about pissflapping cancer! I am sorry if that upsets anyone. It may be the reason I am not commenting every day. Weird how you are not always you when you're going through this fight. Oh yes, totally understandable, but how frustrating too!

And sometimes being a single parent with cancer hits me hard, most of the time it's fine, and I have amazing support, but cancer fucks with your head, as we all know! Of course, it's only useful having a partner when you have cancer if they don't run away or stick their heads in the sand and are of some use to you, I also realise that. Yes, I have my daughters here with me. But you can't lean on them when you want to be comforted or just hugged to sleep, too much pressure on them. And what is annoying me, is that I was ENJOYING life as a single person, rediscovering bits of myself (although the bit of me currently masquerading as a voluptuous belly may take some more time) and taking up new or forgotten hobbies, appreciating the laughs I have with my friends ... so now, the very act of missing someone to be there for me can sometimes really piss me off!

There's no pleasing me today is there?! ;-)

And I suspect some of this is brought on by the fact I am off to Beatrice's funeral today. She was nearly 90, and is the mother-in-law of Deri's teacher, Jan. We sometimes sat in the Windsor suite together as yes, she had cancer too. She hated being bald and a lovely little OAP style wig, which occasionally would sit skewiff on her head :) She was a lovely woman, very sweet. She had been fighting it a little while longer than me. And in about November her strength started to go.

Jan's daughter was expecting her first baby in December, and it was a little late, as usual. Beatrice was poorly and admitted to the same ward as me when I was in, in December. On the Tuesday, the baby was born; he was brought up to see B Friday morning. By now she was not fully awake often but seemed she could hear people and respond a little. Her granddaughter sat and told her all about her baby, then went home.

On the Friday night I was a little agitated, wanting to try and catch Jan before she left the ward. When I saw Jan I knew why I had been restless. B had died. I think she was waiting to 'meet' her great-grandson :)

So I asked Jan last week if I could go to see B off. Because I liked B, and because Jan has been very supportive to me and Deri. So that's where I am off to shortly. Bright Blessings to Beatrice and her family!