Paint and cheese and more scarves and scary satnavs ((from 18/10/2011, an unpublished draft entry, probably due to me nodding off?))

But, not all at the same time :)
Well, trying to put a scarf round your head can get quite tricky when your arms are so much weaker and the scarf slips and by the time it's in the place you want it you can't tie it up straightaway because your hands and arms are aching... oh yes, mornings can be creaky anyway with the fibromyalgia, lol! So, I can't afford to press the snooze button on the alarm clock anymore as I really *need* those spare ten minutes!
Today my madly lovely mum and stepdad started painting the chimney breast in the smaller room downstairs which was a spare sitting room but is being transformed into my bedroom...my  free range teenagers cannot share a room anymore!! And I am happy to create my own bed-sit downstairs with bed, sofa, music system, tv, and woodburner :) Anyway, it's a lovely deep red, get me with my feature wall lol!
I ordered my online shopping last night and salivated all day waiting for the cheeses and houmous and pate to arrive.....nom nom nom! Just stuffed our faces with nice bread and all those lovely things.... boursin, gouda,, vine tomatoes sliced up on top - *contented sigh*
Tomorrow I have to find my way to Caerphilly fire station to their meeting room for Freedom Programme training (and NOT at all thinking about any firemen I may see there - although there may be a theme emerging here this week...) so I have borrowed stepdad's satnav .... just programmed in the postcode etc and the 'man' told me to turn around as soon as possible...... whoa, I'm sat on my sofa, he's a bit keen!! Let's hope he's as eager first thing in the morning eh?

Cancer-versaries

Well, here I am again, after a long absence! That is something of an anniversary in itself ;)

I feel as though I am both talking to myself and to an audience when I write these entries - at first it was just me, then some friends were invited, and occasionally I have shared a particular post with my friends on Facebook etc. I do not know whether my writing style is just that way, or if knowing there are others looking over my shoulder has shaped my writing!

Five years ago I was sat in a room on a ward, waiting for the stem cell transplant to begin, and the room to be sealed, to be put into 'isolation' conditions, which meant no visits from my daughters as only adults could visit. I was scared (the 50/50 chances suddenly seemed very real), and pretending not to be scared so everyone else would hopefully feel a bit better, and very cross that cancer was stopping me from being with my children!

I am so glad I was writing this diary/blog/notes throughout my cancer and its treatments, even though there are gaps when I was too poorly to write, and even though I often made light of things too, because there are things I had forgotten about, sad, funny, wonderful and horrid, and to have this resource to look back on is very healing, even when it hard to read.

5 years! And we kicked 'Mr Lumpy' into touch! Being stubborn, or determined, whichever you prefer, proved beneficial... and the whole experience really does focus your mind on priorities. What began as a hobby to distract me from feeling feeble and bored, has blossomed into a thriving 'business', with me running workshops and courses all over Wales and Herefordshire, with exhibitions, invites to exciting events and festivals, and me running some of my own too. It also propelled me into working for The Big Skill cic, into taking a deep breath and going to meet the art group in Brecon, which led to me meeting pat from Take pART Brecon and becoming a tutor for her, and to meeting the Brecon Womens' Festival team and being involved with them and their festival... having cancer led me to not tolerate bullshit, to leave jobs that were toxic, and relationships that were negative too. Yes, it led me to having crap hairstyles and gaining weight, but it helped  me not care so much, because hey, I am alive and there's so much to see and do and feel and visit and discover.. these types of cliches are the ones I do not mind!

I thought my check ups , which have lengthier times between them now, would cease at my 5 year check-up - I was excited for that. But I was told , due to the seriousness of my treatments, they wanted to keep an eye on me for a little while longer. I was a little peeved at first as NOT going to a hospital for a while would be great! But then I decided that actually, being kept an eye on is not such a bad thing...

So what else has happened?
Some sad things - my dear old stepdad died in the summer of 2015. One of my daughters experienced the dark side of a relationship, but is out the other side. Some friends I had for years fell away as my life morphed into a more creative and satisfying one.
Some happy things - my 3 daughters growing up strong, and stubborn, and making me proud. Making new friends, new connections and finding lost friends from long ago. Discovering a fun and caring and honest relationship in the arms of an old friend. Saying Yes to more things and the Universe rewarding me for that. Speaking out or up when it is needed and finding that others feel the same way. Finding myself Chair of a campaign group! Learning better confidence. Being brave.
Speaking of which - no, I wasn't brave when I had cancer. I don't think many think they are - this has been confirmed by others I spoke to with or who had cancer. I didn't feel brave. I felt pissed off with cancer, I felt fear and worry and stress and I ached for how it scared my children. I said all the way that THIS would not kill me, I was a single parent and no way was I leaving them behind, I was going to get better.
On the day I had to tell them my original diagnosis (there's a story behind that too!) I told them that the prognosis was good, that it was "not death cancer" but treatable cancer. Probably as much to reassure myself as them, but I have guilt for telling them that now, because not long after my diagnosis changed and the stakes were much higher, and what if I had died, and that meant I had lied too?
So this is how the brain goes round and round. Always something to think about!

There is no time to be brave, there is no choice you see. You can fight it, cry over it, shout about it, you can be angry and determined, you can be tired and you can be furious with what cancer does to you and yours. But it doesn't feel like bravery. Your friends and family are brave, but as the one with cancer, you are head down, against the storm that is crashing around you. You are living in ( and I have mentioned this before) a parallel world - everything in the world is carrying on as normal, yet you are both not, and are, at the same time. Often I would get really miffed that everybody else's worlds were carrying on as usual whilst I felt as though I was straddling two tight-ropes that threatened to part too far some days!
There is Cancer You, and Old You, and sometimes is is very weird to be both.
Is Old Me back? Kind of, but I'm different. How much of that is a change in perspective, how much is evolving as we age, how much is related to me being happily immersed in my art, I don't know.

I have spent some of this week reading over older entries. As I said, it is very cathartic. It is not always easy, but I am smiling. It feels like a dream, someones else's story. I want to shout out with joy that it all went away! And stick two big fingers up at cancer!! F**K YOU, cancer.

Being brave - well I am facing something very new now, and I was shocked to have had the message  - having been invited to give a talk at the Abergavenny Writing Festival! Many things have led me to trying to be braver. Many things have led me to giving this talk it seems ... ;-) And I am thrilled, scared and honoured to be invited. I decided to be brave!
So I had best make some notes, and put my thoughts in some order....