Well, I am up at silly hour despite feeling tired and trying to go to bed, because I was then plagued by a whirlwind of crap thoughts. I do have some good stuff to say as well, but I find it best if I vent my angst, then it may leave my head long enough to allow some repose ;)
Deri's father, my ex, or twattybollox as he is affectionately known to lil ol me, has been absent for about a month. This followed about 2 weeks of phone messages/voicemails asking to see her despite having had an ultimatum, given because of severe lack of responsibility/regular contact/no maintenance etc, all due to him becoming a massive alcoholic/drug abuser and throwing in some DV for good measure. His last chance was something he fucked up massively, and we may need to do things like injunctions etc. He also knows I am not well. Out of the blue last night. He said he'd come round to drop off stuff, I reminded him he was banned and if he showed up I'd call the police, and that I'd been told he was in no fit state to see her anyway. He then said something about doctors notes and court and judges, so I said how very VERY low of him to threaten ME with court whilst I was going through chemo.
I didn't get another text then. Funny that. #stupidbastard.
AHEM.
Then, tomorrow is my rituximab/antibodies day (weekly now). It usually passes without much adventure, I am usually like a woozy zombie and fall into bed afterwards, so it should be routine. BUT. I am awaiting results of the bone marrow biopsy etc. And then I started THINKING about it all. Such a BAD idea I know! So I started thinking about the processes... the lung function tests and dentist checkups etc. I guess if I fail those, I can't have the stem cell treatment? I am expecting to pass with flying colours, but at 1am, it all swirled around in an ever decreasing circle or WHAT-IFs, together with anger and frustration about the ex and why Deri should have to a) have to suffer a father in such a state and b) not be able to have a father BECAUSE he is in such a state, and not looking forward to more hospital stuff and and and and and.......................................
So. Light back on, hot chocolate with mini marshmallows and toast with special butter, laptop on and a rant in full flow! :)
And I have already blogged about what a nice week I had last week ..... to add to that loveliness, I have to say that my daughters really spoiled me with very thoughtful gifts on xmas day, bless 'em :) And of course Santa was very good to them too ;) And a table groaning with festive food at my mother's, with more gifts (and a trollbead yay!), and a lovely time there, mum loved the Welsh slate clock and then in the evening, onto my stepsister's, where this always a huge buffet and her hubby's converted garage which is now a ''pub'', with a bar, optics, bar stools, wooden table with church pews, a Wii and a screen for when the sports are on!! Another trollbead there too! As I treated myself to one on xmas eve, and as a certain person treated me to one last week, I now have 6 and I'm loving how the bracelet is taking shape :))
I LOVED spending so much fun time with my kids and my family. We have made things and played things and laughed and just been fab. And I had two friends turn up, from different places, with home made goodies - K came with sloe gin, and her hubbys hand made body butter, and S turned up with a hamper he and his wife made - all home made, wine, chocs, shortbread, etc. I have very much felt the lurve, maaaan...........................
Anyway, I had better read a bit or something now, and get some snoozes in before the alarm goes off at 7am!
Hugs and love and spoons xxxxxx
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