Wednesday 15 March 2017
Paint and cheese and more scarves and scary satnavs ((from 18/10/2011, an unpublished draft entry, probably due to me nodding off?))
But, not all at the same time :)
Well, trying to put a scarf round your head can get quite tricky when your arms are so much weaker and the scarf slips and by the time it's in the place you want it you can't tie it up straightaway because your hands and arms are aching... oh yes, mornings can be creaky anyway with the fibromyalgia, lol! So, I can't afford to press the snooze button on the alarm clock anymore as I really *need* those spare ten minutes!
Today my madly lovely mum and stepdad started painting the chimney breast in the smaller room downstairs which was a spare sitting room but is being transformed into my bedroom...my free range teenagers cannot share a room anymore!! And I am happy to create my own bed-sit downstairs with bed, sofa, music system, tv, and woodburner :) Anyway, it's a lovely deep red, get me with my feature wall lol!
I ordered my online shopping last night and salivated all day waiting for the cheeses and houmous and pate to arrive.....nom nom nom! Just stuffed our faces with nice bread and all those lovely things.... boursin, gouda,, vine tomatoes sliced up on top - *contented sigh*
Tomorrow I have to find my way to Caerphilly fire station to their meeting room for Freedom Programme training (and NOT at all thinking about any firemen I may see there - although there may be a theme emerging here this week...) so I have borrowed stepdad's satnav .... just programmed in the postcode etc and the 'man' told me to turn around as soon as possible...... whoa, I'm sat on my sofa, he's a bit keen!! Let's hope he's as eager first thing in the morning eh?
Tuesday 14 March 2017
Cancer-versaries
Well, here I am again, after a long absence! That is something of an anniversary in itself ;)
I feel as though I am both talking to myself and to an audience when I write these entries - at first it was just me, then some friends were invited, and occasionally I have shared a particular post with my friends on Facebook etc. I do not know whether my writing style is just that way, or if knowing there are others looking over my shoulder has shaped my writing!
Five years ago I was sat in a room on a ward, waiting for the stem cell transplant to begin, and the room to be sealed, to be put into 'isolation' conditions, which meant no visits from my daughters as only adults could visit. I was scared (the 50/50 chances suddenly seemed very real), and pretending not to be scared so everyone else would hopefully feel a bit better, and very cross that cancer was stopping me from being with my children!
I am so glad I was writing this diary/blog/notes throughout my cancer and its treatments, even though there are gaps when I was too poorly to write, and even though I often made light of things too, because there are things I had forgotten about, sad, funny, wonderful and horrid, and to have this resource to look back on is very healing, even when it hard to read.
5 years! And we kicked 'Mr Lumpy' into touch! Being stubborn, or determined, whichever you prefer, proved beneficial... and the whole experience really does focus your mind on priorities. What began as a hobby to distract me from feeling feeble and bored, has blossomed into a thriving 'business', with me running workshops and courses all over Wales and Herefordshire, with exhibitions, invites to exciting events and festivals, and me running some of my own too. It also propelled me into working for The Big Skill cic, into taking a deep breath and going to meet the art group in Brecon, which led to me meeting pat from Take pART Brecon and becoming a tutor for her, and to meeting the Brecon Womens' Festival team and being involved with them and their festival... having cancer led me to not tolerate bullshit, to leave jobs that were toxic, and relationships that were negative too. Yes, it led me to having crap hairstyles and gaining weight, but it helped me not care so much, because hey, I am alive and there's so much to see and do and feel and visit and discover.. these types of cliches are the ones I do not mind!
I thought my check ups , which have lengthier times between them now, would cease at my 5 year check-up - I was excited for that. But I was told , due to the seriousness of my treatments, they wanted to keep an eye on me for a little while longer. I was a little peeved at first as NOT going to a hospital for a while would be great! But then I decided that actually, being kept an eye on is not such a bad thing...
So what else has happened?
Some sad things - my dear old stepdad died in the summer of 2015. One of my daughters experienced the dark side of a relationship, but is out the other side. Some friends I had for years fell away as my life morphed into a more creative and satisfying one.
Some happy things - my 3 daughters growing up strong, and stubborn, and making me proud. Making new friends, new connections and finding lost friends from long ago. Discovering a fun and caring and honest relationship in the arms of an old friend. Saying Yes to more things and the Universe rewarding me for that. Speaking out or up when it is needed and finding that others feel the same way. Finding myself Chair of a campaign group! Learning better confidence. Being brave.
Speaking of which - no, I wasn't brave when I had cancer. I don't think many think they are - this has been confirmed by others I spoke to with or who had cancer. I didn't feel brave. I felt pissed off with cancer, I felt fear and worry and stress and I ached for how it scared my children. I said all the way that THIS would not kill me, I was a single parent and no way was I leaving them behind, I was going to get better.
On the day I had to tell them my original diagnosis (there's a story behind that too!) I told them that the prognosis was good, that it was "not death cancer" but treatable cancer. Probably as much to reassure myself as them, but I have guilt for telling them that now, because not long after my diagnosis changed and the stakes were much higher, and what if I had died, and that meant I had lied too?
So this is how the brain goes round and round. Always something to think about!
There is no time to be brave, there is no choice you see. You can fight it, cry over it, shout about it, you can be angry and determined, you can be tired and you can be furious with what cancer does to you and yours. But it doesn't feel like bravery. Your friends and family are brave, but as the one with cancer, you are head down, against the storm that is crashing around you. You are living in ( and I have mentioned this before) a parallel world - everything in the world is carrying on as normal, yet you are both not, and are, at the same time. Often I would get really miffed that everybody else's worlds were carrying on as usual whilst I felt as though I was straddling two tight-ropes that threatened to part too far some days!
There is Cancer You, and Old You, and sometimes is is very weird to be both.
Is Old Me back? Kind of, but I'm different. How much of that is a change in perspective, how much is evolving as we age, how much is related to me being happily immersed in my art, I don't know.
I have spent some of this week reading over older entries. As I said, it is very cathartic. It is not always easy, but I am smiling. It feels like a dream, someones else's story. I want to shout out with joy that it all went away! And stick two big fingers up at cancer!! F**K YOU, cancer.
Being brave - well I am facing something very new now, and I was shocked to have had the message - having been invited to give a talk at the Abergavenny Writing Festival! Many things have led me to trying to be braver. Many things have led me to giving this talk it seems ... ;-) And I am thrilled, scared and honoured to be invited. I decided to be brave!
So I had best make some notes, and put my thoughts in some order....
I feel as though I am both talking to myself and to an audience when I write these entries - at first it was just me, then some friends were invited, and occasionally I have shared a particular post with my friends on Facebook etc. I do not know whether my writing style is just that way, or if knowing there are others looking over my shoulder has shaped my writing!
Five years ago I was sat in a room on a ward, waiting for the stem cell transplant to begin, and the room to be sealed, to be put into 'isolation' conditions, which meant no visits from my daughters as only adults could visit. I was scared (the 50/50 chances suddenly seemed very real), and pretending not to be scared so everyone else would hopefully feel a bit better, and very cross that cancer was stopping me from being with my children!
I am so glad I was writing this diary/blog/notes throughout my cancer and its treatments, even though there are gaps when I was too poorly to write, and even though I often made light of things too, because there are things I had forgotten about, sad, funny, wonderful and horrid, and to have this resource to look back on is very healing, even when it hard to read.
5 years! And we kicked 'Mr Lumpy' into touch! Being stubborn, or determined, whichever you prefer, proved beneficial... and the whole experience really does focus your mind on priorities. What began as a hobby to distract me from feeling feeble and bored, has blossomed into a thriving 'business', with me running workshops and courses all over Wales and Herefordshire, with exhibitions, invites to exciting events and festivals, and me running some of my own too. It also propelled me into working for The Big Skill cic, into taking a deep breath and going to meet the art group in Brecon, which led to me meeting pat from Take pART Brecon and becoming a tutor for her, and to meeting the Brecon Womens' Festival team and being involved with them and their festival... having cancer led me to not tolerate bullshit, to leave jobs that were toxic, and relationships that were negative too. Yes, it led me to having crap hairstyles and gaining weight, but it helped me not care so much, because hey, I am alive and there's so much to see and do and feel and visit and discover.. these types of cliches are the ones I do not mind!
I thought my check ups , which have lengthier times between them now, would cease at my 5 year check-up - I was excited for that. But I was told , due to the seriousness of my treatments, they wanted to keep an eye on me for a little while longer. I was a little peeved at first as NOT going to a hospital for a while would be great! But then I decided that actually, being kept an eye on is not such a bad thing...
So what else has happened?
Some sad things - my dear old stepdad died in the summer of 2015. One of my daughters experienced the dark side of a relationship, but is out the other side. Some friends I had for years fell away as my life morphed into a more creative and satisfying one.
Some happy things - my 3 daughters growing up strong, and stubborn, and making me proud. Making new friends, new connections and finding lost friends from long ago. Discovering a fun and caring and honest relationship in the arms of an old friend. Saying Yes to more things and the Universe rewarding me for that. Speaking out or up when it is needed and finding that others feel the same way. Finding myself Chair of a campaign group! Learning better confidence. Being brave.
Speaking of which - no, I wasn't brave when I had cancer. I don't think many think they are - this has been confirmed by others I spoke to with or who had cancer. I didn't feel brave. I felt pissed off with cancer, I felt fear and worry and stress and I ached for how it scared my children. I said all the way that THIS would not kill me, I was a single parent and no way was I leaving them behind, I was going to get better.
On the day I had to tell them my original diagnosis (there's a story behind that too!) I told them that the prognosis was good, that it was "not death cancer" but treatable cancer. Probably as much to reassure myself as them, but I have guilt for telling them that now, because not long after my diagnosis changed and the stakes were much higher, and what if I had died, and that meant I had lied too?
So this is how the brain goes round and round. Always something to think about!
There is no time to be brave, there is no choice you see. You can fight it, cry over it, shout about it, you can be angry and determined, you can be tired and you can be furious with what cancer does to you and yours. But it doesn't feel like bravery. Your friends and family are brave, but as the one with cancer, you are head down, against the storm that is crashing around you. You are living in ( and I have mentioned this before) a parallel world - everything in the world is carrying on as normal, yet you are both not, and are, at the same time. Often I would get really miffed that everybody else's worlds were carrying on as usual whilst I felt as though I was straddling two tight-ropes that threatened to part too far some days!
There is Cancer You, and Old You, and sometimes is is very weird to be both.
Is Old Me back? Kind of, but I'm different. How much of that is a change in perspective, how much is evolving as we age, how much is related to me being happily immersed in my art, I don't know.
I have spent some of this week reading over older entries. As I said, it is very cathartic. It is not always easy, but I am smiling. It feels like a dream, someones else's story. I want to shout out with joy that it all went away! And stick two big fingers up at cancer!! F**K YOU, cancer.
Being brave - well I am facing something very new now, and I was shocked to have had the message - having been invited to give a talk at the Abergavenny Writing Festival! Many things have led me to trying to be braver. Many things have led me to giving this talk it seems ... ;-) And I am thrilled, scared and honoured to be invited. I decided to be brave!
So I had best make some notes, and put my thoughts in some order....
Sunday 27 January 2013
Life, & death, & more life
Wow.
How long have I abandoned this blog?! ;)
Well, I have been busy. And tired too! But mainly getting on with ''it''.
Some STUFF has happened since last time of course, good and bad.
Mainly this - that a friend I grew close to on Macland, that K and I were friends with, the lovely Hils, has died. So cancer, you can, again, be told to fuck off!
My mother threw in my face the fact that whilst I was dealing with cancer she ''had to'' help feed my kids etc. Well, sorry I was inconveniently ill eh? I had no financial help from the council or government during my year of chemo as I had "earned too much to qualify" the previous year. As I couldn't work for most of my year of treatment, I did have to rely on my mum and stepdad, and I hated having to! When my mother gets tired and cross she lashes out verbally, and I am really not in a place to deal with that right now!
My friends and some of my family died of cancer, and I could have died too, and she chooses to bitch about the really small stuff.
Anyhoo.
So, Hils, travel well on the other side of the veil and cock a snook when you fly past my lovely :)
I have also read a lot from some people on FB about chemo - mainly they think it's shit. Well yeh, it can be, depends on how strong your mind over matter thing is I guess. I wrote the following as a response to a reasonable and rational friend, but I have had roaring rows with the fundamentalist blinkered friends, but I'll dig that particular gem out another time maybe... ;) ..........
'There are some instances where this can happen. There have been instances where it hasn't happened. It would be preferable for most patients not to have to endure chemotherapy (having been one myself I can comment on THAT )
""S - may I tell a slightly lengthy tale about MY chemo experience? Feel free to skip to the end if you wish
Having used alternative treatments, therapies, supplements etc most of my life, I found myself faced with a massively aggressive cancer, with a lump in my neck that in June was the size of the top of my thumb, but just 2 months later was the size of at least a tennis ball and was restricting the movement in my neck and sometimes, depending on which way I was lying/sleeping, affecting my breathing.
I looked into alternative methods of treating cancer whilst I waited for the test results to confirm what I already knew what I had - I just needed to know which type I had. Having recently left an alcoholic ex who spent our savings etc, and as a single mum of 3 girls with a job that covered basics but no luxuries, it seemed my options were limited. I could have bought cannabis oil, but didn't have the funds ( £3-5000 ) - ok, grow your own and then make your own oil? Yeh, if you have the time, and again an initial lay-out of funds...
I was then told I had lymphoma, and a rare & aggressive form of it.
Can I wait for treatment I wondered? having researched it on both medical and alternative sites, and reading round the subject from traditional and spiritual sources, it seemed I could easily lose my life and leave 3 kids with no parents (no, their dad can't take over as now has spiralled into living in a derelict caravan with no facilities and talks to the lizard people...another story for another time) -
I was so angry!!! And then I calmed down and realised that this could be an opportunity to practise helping to heal myself whilst utilising ALL the options available to me and using my mind to attract all the BENEFITS of treatment with none of the SHIT that many people experience!
I HAD to get into a mindset that whatever treatments I decided upon, ALL of them would help me. I HAD to survive, my kids needed me, and that was my driving force behind everything I did in my battle with cancer - I vowed to kick it up the arse.
So, I began chemotherapy. I juiced all the time. I had reflexology and meditated. I took other supplements and accepted everyone's blessings, prayers, good thoughts, love and support.
During chemo, people I knew were pleased but rather surprised at how little it affected me, ie: I still went to work, went to parties, didn't throw up etc etc ... cancer and its medicines *did* take their toll to some degree as I did start to feel more tired, but not enough to retire to bed! I was forced to go on the sick when I felt I could have carried on but I also realised my immune system needed to have some support and where I work I come into contact with all sorts of stuff, so I gave in, but not very gracefully!
The regimen was preparing me for a stem cell transplant. Fucking scary stuff. You can google the odds and stats if you want. I wanted my kids to have good odds of me being around, I was working towards this and keeping going with all my other stuff I mentioned too. The 3 weeks of the SCT, I *was* ill. But mainly because I was heartbroken to be away from my kids for 3 weeks! And I think the stress of leaving them with family & friends whilst I was in isolation made things worse.
Anyway, I am in remission, complete remission. My doctors are amazed at my progress and recovery. 3 months after the SCT they were asking if I was having help getting dressed etc - um, NO! I am driving around, organising a festival haha! KNACKERED, yes, drained from a year of stress, but being me, and returning to normal. 10 months on from the SCT and I am in f/t work, running a business on the side and ecstatic about being alive and being here for my kids!!!
So, my point is - what you believe will happen, happens. I KNEW I would get better. So I did.
I have a friend who says chemotherapy kills, end of. Well then, if that person ever had to have it, it's likely they would be killed by it! I told the Universe that chemo would be part of the way I got better and ensured I would be around for my kids.
And here I am.' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spoke to a cancer counsellor recently, had a kind of debriefing but didn't want to book in for regular sessions... that was useful, and I can call her as and when I need her :)
I now run a craft/design business on the side!!! It has blossomed from something I took up when bored at home when I was ill, and I made a few trinkets for friends, and now I am selling at craft fairs and craft shops and receiving commissions regularly! :D
I called it FfolkyFfelt - I make items from wool by felting it ...
www.etsy.com/shop/FfolkyFfelt will give you examples of my work, a lot of which is bespoke. I am LOVING it!!! :D
We also have two new cats - Jack & Sally we call them........ they were 6 months old from the rescue centre - we took them in during November and they are just the loveliest, friendliest, floppy and cutest cats we have had!! And Seren gets on with them, Sally is friendlier to her than Jack is ;)
AND - Megan and Ben, got engaged, in Paris!! Did I mention any of this before?? Who knows, I have chemo-brain!! hahahaha! anyway he asked my permission bless him!, and took her for her 18th to Paris and proposed under the Eiffel tower.............................
And E (N) had a baby girl!!! :D
So much to tell, now I know why I need to pop in regularly haha!!
It's nearly 2am, I am off to sleep.
And I am trying to train myself to drop by more often!
How long have I abandoned this blog?! ;)
Well, I have been busy. And tired too! But mainly getting on with ''it''.
Some STUFF has happened since last time of course, good and bad.
Mainly this - that a friend I grew close to on Macland, that K and I were friends with, the lovely Hils, has died. So cancer, you can, again, be told to fuck off!
My mother threw in my face the fact that whilst I was dealing with cancer she ''had to'' help feed my kids etc. Well, sorry I was inconveniently ill eh? I had no financial help from the council or government during my year of chemo as I had "earned too much to qualify" the previous year. As I couldn't work for most of my year of treatment, I did have to rely on my mum and stepdad, and I hated having to! When my mother gets tired and cross she lashes out verbally, and I am really not in a place to deal with that right now!
My friends and some of my family died of cancer, and I could have died too, and she chooses to bitch about the really small stuff.
Anyhoo.
So, Hils, travel well on the other side of the veil and cock a snook when you fly past my lovely :)
I have also read a lot from some people on FB about chemo - mainly they think it's shit. Well yeh, it can be, depends on how strong your mind over matter thing is I guess. I wrote the following as a response to a reasonable and rational friend, but I have had roaring rows with the fundamentalist blinkered friends, but I'll dig that particular gem out another time maybe... ;) ..........
'There are some instances where this can happen. There have been instances where it hasn't happened. It would be preferable for most patients not to have to endure chemotherapy (having been one myself I can comment on THAT )
""S - may I tell a slightly lengthy tale about MY chemo experience? Feel free to skip to the end if you wish
Having used alternative treatments, therapies, supplements etc most of my life, I found myself faced with a massively aggressive cancer, with a lump in my neck that in June was the size of the top of my thumb, but just 2 months later was the size of at least a tennis ball and was restricting the movement in my neck and sometimes, depending on which way I was lying/sleeping, affecting my breathing.
I looked into alternative methods of treating cancer whilst I waited for the test results to confirm what I already knew what I had - I just needed to know which type I had. Having recently left an alcoholic ex who spent our savings etc, and as a single mum of 3 girls with a job that covered basics but no luxuries, it seemed my options were limited. I could have bought cannabis oil, but didn't have the funds ( £3-5000 ) - ok, grow your own and then make your own oil? Yeh, if you have the time, and again an initial lay-out of funds...
I was then told I had lymphoma, and a rare & aggressive form of it.
Can I wait for treatment I wondered? having researched it on both medical and alternative sites, and reading round the subject from traditional and spiritual sources, it seemed I could easily lose my life and leave 3 kids with no parents (no, their dad can't take over as now has spiralled into living in a derelict caravan with no facilities and talks to the lizard people...another story for another time) -
I was so angry!!! And then I calmed down and realised that this could be an opportunity to practise helping to heal myself whilst utilising ALL the options available to me and using my mind to attract all the BENEFITS of treatment with none of the SHIT that many people experience!
I HAD to get into a mindset that whatever treatments I decided upon, ALL of them would help me. I HAD to survive, my kids needed me, and that was my driving force behind everything I did in my battle with cancer - I vowed to kick it up the arse.
So, I began chemotherapy. I juiced all the time. I had reflexology and meditated. I took other supplements and accepted everyone's blessings, prayers, good thoughts, love and support.
During chemo, people I knew were pleased but rather surprised at how little it affected me, ie: I still went to work, went to parties, didn't throw up etc etc ... cancer and its medicines *did* take their toll to some degree as I did start to feel more tired, but not enough to retire to bed! I was forced to go on the sick when I felt I could have carried on but I also realised my immune system needed to have some support and where I work I come into contact with all sorts of stuff, so I gave in, but not very gracefully!
The regimen was preparing me for a stem cell transplant. Fucking scary stuff. You can google the odds and stats if you want. I wanted my kids to have good odds of me being around, I was working towards this and keeping going with all my other stuff I mentioned too. The 3 weeks of the SCT, I *was* ill. But mainly because I was heartbroken to be away from my kids for 3 weeks! And I think the stress of leaving them with family & friends whilst I was in isolation made things worse.
Anyway, I am in remission, complete remission. My doctors are amazed at my progress and recovery. 3 months after the SCT they were asking if I was having help getting dressed etc - um, NO! I am driving around, organising a festival haha! KNACKERED, yes, drained from a year of stress, but being me, and returning to normal. 10 months on from the SCT and I am in f/t work, running a business on the side and ecstatic about being alive and being here for my kids!!!
So, my point is - what you believe will happen, happens. I KNEW I would get better. So I did.
I have a friend who says chemotherapy kills, end of. Well then, if that person ever had to have it, it's likely they would be killed by it! I told the Universe that chemo would be part of the way I got better and ensured I would be around for my kids.
And here I am.' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I spoke to a cancer counsellor recently, had a kind of debriefing but didn't want to book in for regular sessions... that was useful, and I can call her as and when I need her :)
I now run a craft/design business on the side!!! It has blossomed from something I took up when bored at home when I was ill, and I made a few trinkets for friends, and now I am selling at craft fairs and craft shops and receiving commissions regularly! :D
I called it FfolkyFfelt - I make items from wool by felting it ...
www.etsy.com/shop/FfolkyFfelt will give you examples of my work, a lot of which is bespoke. I am LOVING it!!! :D
We also have two new cats - Jack & Sally we call them........ they were 6 months old from the rescue centre - we took them in during November and they are just the loveliest, friendliest, floppy and cutest cats we have had!! And Seren gets on with them, Sally is friendlier to her than Jack is ;)
AND - Megan and Ben, got engaged, in Paris!! Did I mention any of this before?? Who knows, I have chemo-brain!! hahahaha! anyway he asked my permission bless him!, and took her for her 18th to Paris and proposed under the Eiffel tower.............................
And E (N) had a baby girl!!! :D
So much to tell, now I know why I need to pop in regularly haha!!
It's nearly 2am, I am off to sleep.
And I am trying to train myself to drop by more often!
Saturday 15 September 2012
Transformations, ponderings, and some fun too! Or, why is a raven like a writing desk?
I have to say, it's been a blast!
And thank you again to everyone I have shared the summer with :)
Pam and I went to see another Shakespeare play over in Glanusk - watching plays out of doors just adds to the whole atmosphere (and being out doors seemed to be the theme for this summer) - and we took a bottle of pink bubbly left from my birthday and sat in the sun and laughed a lot :)
The Girls were out and about with friends and sleepovers here there and everywhere and having almost too much fun too and that was a joy to see, and I must be better because they also began to squabble a bit too ;) And now D is in juniors and B had begun GSCE's, and M has finished AS's and left and gone to college to train as a nanny/nursery nurse and is much happier!
Coffees and chats and food and sunshine in my garden, under the one remaining gazebo after the party ... (it's still there now and has done us proud all summer!) ... with friends seemed to be the way to go and it's been bliss.
Then the run-up to the Green Man (GM) festi, people booking in and out of rotas and emailing arrival dates, all busy stuff. And although the weather was pretty good during the festival, because we had so much rain all year, as soon as the public descended, certain areas were just 6 inches of liquid mud haha! Hoorah for the new wellies standing up to it and Deri's wellies being *just* long enough to be able to trudge through it! Did some work for the GM admin and had a hoot every night back at the crew camping and sat round the fire - and walking home to my warm bed later ;) Deri stayed at my mum's Fri night, so I went back on site at 5pm and met up with friends and got rather merry and bumped into my eldest having a hoot with her friends and b/f, and I bought a silly hat (it is compulsory to buy a silly hat every year, preferably out of felt!) and then some friends left and we met up with other friends who were also crew and had a drink and a dance and more sitting round fires and then it was 5am and we crawled off to bed very merry and very happy after such a fun night!
It was like one big happy family and reminded me of things I have been aiming for and showed to me that there were certain things that will get done better if there is a group of you...
And made a New friend too. A tall, dark, drum playing, fresh food foraging, delicious meal cooking, gentle and funny, wild man of the woods, dog walking and interesting story sharing, wild man of the woods .... and we spent 2 weeks together, and maybe we will never meet again, but that time confirmed to me what could be done and where I wanted to travel towards ... and the crew also had certain women I met, some for the 2nd time, some for the 1st, who were an inspiration in many ways. And each one of them was so happy that I was there, well, and happy, and they celebrated that in different ways.
And this year, the Green Man statue that they burn at the end of the festival, had little wish tags inside that you could write on... and I wished hard when I wrote mine :))
So, gradually everyone packed up, some stayed longer than others, and my new friend stayed until I went back to work. Back to work!! Yet, it's not like work, because there are so many wonderful people there, doing a lot of wonderful things, and it's a joy to be part of that and to help do good things too, and yes there are other projects in life that I will take forward soon, but *this* is a damned good one too and one that I hope will be part of my future for some time to come!
I have been thinking too, that it's time to take up more opportunities that are offered, to move forward towards the goals that I really want, and to generally have more fun, whether in play or work or creativity etc ;) And I even mentioned to one friend that I could do with hiringa skip, so that I could properly de-clutter the house and sheds! haha! Now *that* would take some time! BUT, it needs doing, whether we stay here or not, so there's room for what's important....
When I have sat out in the garden, butterflies keep landing on me, sitting on a leg, or on my arm... and dragonflies keep being fund fluttering around the house, and a bat was stuck in the bathroom for a while until I caught it, and a robin flew in too .... so I wondered what they were all telling me, and looked it up!
=
Bat
A symbol of rebirth. It symbolizes the need for a
ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer
suits your new growth pattern. If you resist your destiny,
it may become a long, drawn out or painful death.
The universe is always asking you to grow and
become your future.
Butterfly
Is a very spiritual bug and represents the
resents of of good spirits. Butterflys signal
change, metamorphosis, balance, harmony, grace,
peace, beauty and spirituality. It is a good sign.
It is the mind and the ability to know how
and when to change.
Dragonfly
Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change,
the messages of wisdom and enlightenment,
and the communications from the elemental world.
This elemental world is made up of the tiny spirits
of plants,and the elements air, fire and water.
This world is full of nature spirits.
Dragonfly medicine always beckons you
to seek out the parts of your habits
which you need to change.
Robin
Brings happiness, good health, and love to families.
Robin is a proud bird, clean, and well dressed.
She is a good reminder of virtues worth emulating
and a good role model for humans.
Hmmm....... anyone else see a pattern there?! haha!
So then Kerry and I get to talking, more seriously than before, about actually doing something about creating the sustainable community that we have wanted for ages. ie: a small group of us, sharing land with our own private space and some communal areas, growing and eating our own produce, running workshops to create more income, keeping some or all of our current work depending on what/where it is etc, being able to create more of our crafts, those that do healing or therapies could have more space too, and generally creating a better environment for our kids. And we have found the first possibility of where we may be able to do such a thing, and looking into the others too! We don't want a commune, haha! But we DO want a better quality of life and a more natural rhythm too.
And then some fun things presented themselves too ... to go away without kiddies next weekend to a small festival, utilise the healing field, and have free entry by helping in the cafe for 10 hours, and have a lift with a friend! Up in Lincolnshire, a first for me! And the autumn equinox falls on that weekend .... a time of gratitude for what is, of re-balancing where required..
The next weekend is me and the kiddies and friends with theirs, all ages, off to the mini festival in the Forest of Dean :))
And this week, and again on the 25th, I had/am having bloods .... this week was at Nevill Hall... all fine! Same again at the Heath in 2 weeks one hopes ;)
It doesn't stop all the 'What-if's', or the occasional flash of guilt that you're having fun and someone else is in the middle of chemo, or a different crisis, but if you're alive, you have to make the most of it, whether quietly, loudly, or in a busy way or in a studious way, or you can laugh or moan or whatever you fancy.... AND you can help that other person TOO ... anyhoo, this is the way *I* am doing it, and I very much enjoy spending it with all of YOU xxx
And thank you again to everyone I have shared the summer with :)
Pam and I went to see another Shakespeare play over in Glanusk - watching plays out of doors just adds to the whole atmosphere (and being out doors seemed to be the theme for this summer) - and we took a bottle of pink bubbly left from my birthday and sat in the sun and laughed a lot :)
The Girls were out and about with friends and sleepovers here there and everywhere and having almost too much fun too and that was a joy to see, and I must be better because they also began to squabble a bit too ;) And now D is in juniors and B had begun GSCE's, and M has finished AS's and left and gone to college to train as a nanny/nursery nurse and is much happier!
Coffees and chats and food and sunshine in my garden, under the one remaining gazebo after the party ... (it's still there now and has done us proud all summer!) ... with friends seemed to be the way to go and it's been bliss.
Then the run-up to the Green Man (GM) festi, people booking in and out of rotas and emailing arrival dates, all busy stuff. And although the weather was pretty good during the festival, because we had so much rain all year, as soon as the public descended, certain areas were just 6 inches of liquid mud haha! Hoorah for the new wellies standing up to it and Deri's wellies being *just* long enough to be able to trudge through it! Did some work for the GM admin and had a hoot every night back at the crew camping and sat round the fire - and walking home to my warm bed later ;) Deri stayed at my mum's Fri night, so I went back on site at 5pm and met up with friends and got rather merry and bumped into my eldest having a hoot with her friends and b/f, and I bought a silly hat (it is compulsory to buy a silly hat every year, preferably out of felt!) and then some friends left and we met up with other friends who were also crew and had a drink and a dance and more sitting round fires and then it was 5am and we crawled off to bed very merry and very happy after such a fun night!
It was like one big happy family and reminded me of things I have been aiming for and showed to me that there were certain things that will get done better if there is a group of you...
And made a New friend too. A tall, dark, drum playing, fresh food foraging, delicious meal cooking, gentle and funny, wild man of the woods, dog walking and interesting story sharing, wild man of the woods .... and we spent 2 weeks together, and maybe we will never meet again, but that time confirmed to me what could be done and where I wanted to travel towards ... and the crew also had certain women I met, some for the 2nd time, some for the 1st, who were an inspiration in many ways. And each one of them was so happy that I was there, well, and happy, and they celebrated that in different ways.
And this year, the Green Man statue that they burn at the end of the festival, had little wish tags inside that you could write on... and I wished hard when I wrote mine :))
So, gradually everyone packed up, some stayed longer than others, and my new friend stayed until I went back to work. Back to work!! Yet, it's not like work, because there are so many wonderful people there, doing a lot of wonderful things, and it's a joy to be part of that and to help do good things too, and yes there are other projects in life that I will take forward soon, but *this* is a damned good one too and one that I hope will be part of my future for some time to come!
I have been thinking too, that it's time to take up more opportunities that are offered, to move forward towards the goals that I really want, and to generally have more fun, whether in play or work or creativity etc ;) And I even mentioned to one friend that I could do with hiringa skip, so that I could properly de-clutter the house and sheds! haha! Now *that* would take some time! BUT, it needs doing, whether we stay here or not, so there's room for what's important....
When I have sat out in the garden, butterflies keep landing on me, sitting on a leg, or on my arm... and dragonflies keep being fund fluttering around the house, and a bat was stuck in the bathroom for a while until I caught it, and a robin flew in too .... so I wondered what they were all telling me, and looked it up!
=
Bat
A symbol of rebirth. It symbolizes the need for a
ritualistic death of some way of life that no longer
suits your new growth pattern. If you resist your destiny,
it may become a long, drawn out or painful death.
The universe is always asking you to grow and
become your future.
Butterfly
Is a very spiritual bug and represents the
resents of of good spirits. Butterflys signal
change, metamorphosis, balance, harmony, grace,
peace, beauty and spirituality. It is a good sign.
It is the mind and the ability to know how
and when to change.
Dragonfly
Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change,
the messages of wisdom and enlightenment,
and the communications from the elemental world.
This elemental world is made up of the tiny spirits
of plants,and the elements air, fire and water.
This world is full of nature spirits.
Dragonfly medicine always beckons you
to seek out the parts of your habits
which you need to change.
Robin
Brings happiness, good health, and love to families.
Robin is a proud bird, clean, and well dressed.
She is a good reminder of virtues worth emulating
and a good role model for humans.
Hmmm....... anyone else see a pattern there?! haha!
So then Kerry and I get to talking, more seriously than before, about actually doing something about creating the sustainable community that we have wanted for ages. ie: a small group of us, sharing land with our own private space and some communal areas, growing and eating our own produce, running workshops to create more income, keeping some or all of our current work depending on what/where it is etc, being able to create more of our crafts, those that do healing or therapies could have more space too, and generally creating a better environment for our kids. And we have found the first possibility of where we may be able to do such a thing, and looking into the others too! We don't want a commune, haha! But we DO want a better quality of life and a more natural rhythm too.
And then some fun things presented themselves too ... to go away without kiddies next weekend to a small festival, utilise the healing field, and have free entry by helping in the cafe for 10 hours, and have a lift with a friend! Up in Lincolnshire, a first for me! And the autumn equinox falls on that weekend .... a time of gratitude for what is, of re-balancing where required..
The next weekend is me and the kiddies and friends with theirs, all ages, off to the mini festival in the Forest of Dean :))
And this week, and again on the 25th, I had/am having bloods .... this week was at Nevill Hall... all fine! Same again at the Heath in 2 weeks one hopes ;)
It doesn't stop all the 'What-if's', or the occasional flash of guilt that you're having fun and someone else is in the middle of chemo, or a different crisis, but if you're alive, you have to make the most of it, whether quietly, loudly, or in a busy way or in a studious way, or you can laugh or moan or whatever you fancy.... AND you can help that other person TOO ... anyhoo, this is the way *I* am doing it, and I very much enjoy spending it with all of YOU xxx
Thursday 2 August 2012
Festival of Friends? ;)
WOW ............. that was an amazing day - 14 of us amongst 6,500 people in Bute Park, so many weird and wonderful outfits, including a giant woopie cushion...... and with so many messages of love and hope/remembrance pinned to all our backs - J shot off in the runners group, the rest of us safe in the walkers haha! I still walk my dog but for much shorted walk these days, so by the 2nd kilometre marker my feet were already aching! And as you can see, I had an early birthday pressie Tshirt from K! I was SO proud of all my friends who had come on the day, or donated, or organised, or supported, in so many different ways ... and then, going through the finishing line together, with my daughter Broni, hand-in-hand... well, that was one very emotional moment, as though a line had been drawn under the last 12 months . . . and to finish it with K, who has had her own cancer journey... important milestone for us both, and C and her friend B too, from 'Macland', and somewhere in the crowd (we lost loads of people!! ) was C, cheering us on :)
I was on a high, albeit an exhausted one, for days afterwards!
The following weekend was my birthday. It turned into something of a mini festival, with some people camping Fri to Mon, so we warmed up Fri night and had the party Sat night... tents and campers filled the field, gazebos and tealights and a fire in the garden, with my rum punch (heh heh) and friends and our DJ and lanterns too ... it was STUNNING. Lots of people have said how it must be the first of many "Festival Cariad's" haha!! I found it so wonderful and very emotional, that (most of) my favourite people were all in the same place at the same time, and that how gorgeous each of them are, was obvious to all :) I am blessed with beautiful friends, and LOVED the whole weekend. The best gift was all of my friends being there, and then I was spoiled by some stunning and touching gifts, some of which blew me away! Folk put a lot of thought into it all, so let me say THANK YOU again .x.x.x.
I had a good friend message me yesterday, apologising for 'not being around enough' .. but as I said to her, it IS the thought that counts, because all that positive intent builds up and up and it was expressed at my party in one huge wave of love that was palpable ... the atmosphere fairly crackled with positivity and love and I'm still riding on it now - and which was the same atmosphere at the Race for Life, I was completely bowled over when Claire formed the team idea and I was so proud and humbled by my friends .. AND, the love and good thoughts from everyone I know, coupled with MY intentions and damned stubbornness, and refusal to leave my 3 daughters behind!, is what saw me through this last 12 months ... as Jung said, "I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become". So here's to love, and visualisation, and being a stubborn cow, and kicking cancer's arse.
Sunday 1 July 2012
Deeeeeep, man
So, Monday was Stitches Off Day. Hoorah! Felt REALLY weird saying goodbye to the nurses coz it will be September when I go back!
Tuesday - Em M took me off to the Heath for my post-transplant chat. They took millions of tubes of blood and asked me how I felt and could I rate myself on their %age chart of activity. I am over 80% which is apparently Very Good for 3 months post-transplant. 70% would have meant I needed help getting dressed or something.......what the heck would 40% have meant?!
Anyway, it's been nearly a week but it's still AMAZING to get into a proper, deep bath, and be able to do something as simple as lie down in it! I can wash messily, splash water around, let the flannel drip down my front... no guarding of the tubes, no careful dabbing and wiping of my body anymore! I can just wallow and splash and wiggle and soak to my heart's content! And it feels FABULOUS!!
...all those little things we take for granted every day, from being able to wash, to being able to see your kids, to being able to relax a little, to being able to think ahead *fully* ... we all need to appreciate all the good stuff we have, and not put up with any bad stuff!
Talking of which... Jo came over Friday night and I got completely trolleyed :)) We had a hoot!! I do love my friends LOTS ;)
The lovely Hils mentioned earlier about the joy of many visitors, and how the lack of them was quite sad, as if having friends over kept cancer away .... and actually, her words do ring true on some levels... after all, friends = positivity, and being positive is good for our health, and thinking in a positive way does have some good kicking-cancer-up-the-arse qualities ... ;)
Tuesday - Em M took me off to the Heath for my post-transplant chat. They took millions of tubes of blood and asked me how I felt and could I rate myself on their %age chart of activity. I am over 80% which is apparently Very Good for 3 months post-transplant. 70% would have meant I needed help getting dressed or something.......what the heck would 40% have meant?!
Anyway, it's been nearly a week but it's still AMAZING to get into a proper, deep bath, and be able to do something as simple as lie down in it! I can wash messily, splash water around, let the flannel drip down my front... no guarding of the tubes, no careful dabbing and wiping of my body anymore! I can just wallow and splash and wiggle and soak to my heart's content! And it feels FABULOUS!!
...all those little things we take for granted every day, from being able to wash, to being able to see your kids, to being able to relax a little, to being able to think ahead *fully* ... we all need to appreciate all the good stuff we have, and not put up with any bad stuff!
Talking of which... Jo came over Friday night and I got completely trolleyed :)) We had a hoot!! I do love my friends LOTS ;)
The lovely Hils mentioned earlier about the joy of many visitors, and how the lack of them was quite sad, as if having friends over kept cancer away .... and actually, her words do ring true on some levels... after all, friends = positivity, and being positive is good for our health, and thinking in a positive way does have some good kicking-cancer-up-the-arse qualities ... ;)
Saturday 23 June 2012
Silly surgeons!
I was *sure* I hadn't had a stitch put in/on after surgery, but thought maybe it all happened really quickly and I missed it?
On Wednesday, I thought I would change the bloodied dressing as they had given me a spare... but just in case there wasn't a stitch, I peeled away the corner very carefully......
Hmmm , that'll just be a blobby bloody hole in my boob then.
Quick call to my nurses on the Windsor Suite .. 'are you sure??' Yep! So I popped down and they put some steri-strips on, and go back Monday to see how it's getting on and when they can come off.
I want my deep bath!! AND, what would it have healed like if I hadn't checked?! YUK!
On nicer news, Megz has adopted the dog she saw at the rescue centre, he is called Tumble and Seren is tolerating him rather well! He's 2, and a Yorkie/Shuitsu cross!
On Wednesday, I thought I would change the bloodied dressing as they had given me a spare... but just in case there wasn't a stitch, I peeled away the corner very carefully......
Hmmm , that'll just be a blobby bloody hole in my boob then.
Quick call to my nurses on the Windsor Suite .. 'are you sure??' Yep! So I popped down and they put some steri-strips on, and go back Monday to see how it's getting on and when they can come off.
I want my deep bath!! AND, what would it have healed like if I hadn't checked?! YUK!
On nicer news, Megz has adopted the dog she saw at the rescue centre, he is called Tumble and Seren is tolerating him rather well! He's 2, and a Yorkie/Shuitsu cross!
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